What is stonewalling?
When one partner in a relationship withdraws from contact and refuses to participate or answer,
it’s known as stonewalling. It can be an unconscious or conscious action, frequently the result of
feeling emotionally overloaded or overwhelmed.
Along with criticism, disdain, and defensiveness, it is seen as one of the “four horsemen” of
relationship disintegration in the Guttmann method of couples therapy. Regularly blocking
communication can seriously harm relationships by causing emotional detachment and impeding
the settlement of disputes.
Is stonewalling abuse?
Although stonewalling in a relationship is not always harmful, when done with the goal of
controlling or punishing a partner, it can be considered emotional manipulation. It could
occasionally be a component of a more extensive practice of emotional abuse. For example, gas
lighting and stonewalling can be combined as strategies to weaken a partner’s sense of reality and
value. It’s crucial to remember that not every incidence of stonewalling is harmful. Sometimes
people adopt it as a coping strategy when they feel uncomfortable or overpowered.
Is stonewalling a trauma response?
For some folks, stonewalling could be a trauma response. Their actions can be a result of bad
relationships or experiences they had as children, where expressing feelings had unfavorable
effects. Stonewalling in these situations is a protective coping mechanism that lets the individual
emotionally distance themselves from potentially dangerous circumstances.
How to know if someone is stonewalling you
Stonewalling is often characterized by the following behaviors:
- Turning away physically
- Avoiding eye contact
- Crossing arms defensively
- Remaining silent or giving minimal responses
- Changing the subject abruptly
- Leaving the room or situation
- Engaging in distracting activities
- Refusing to acknowledge or address the issue at hand
- Displaying a blank or emotionless facial expression
Stonewalling examples
Stonewalling in marriage: A wife and husband are having an argument about household chores.
The wife expresses frustration about her husband not contributing equally. Instead of engaging in
the conversation, the husband pulls out his smart phone and begins scrolling through social
media, completely ignoring his wife’s concerns.
Stonewalling while dating: A young couple have been dating for six months and are discussing
their plans for the future. When the topic of commitment comes up, one partner becomes visibly
uncomfortable and begins to shut down. They avoid eye contact, give one-word responses, and
eventually claim they need to use the bathroom, effectively ending the conversation.
Stonewalling in the workplace: Stonewalling can sometimes occur outside of intimate
relationships. For instance, a manager might stonewall an employee by ignoring their emails,
avoiding one-on-one meetings, or dismissing their ideas without consideration. This behavior
can create a toxic work environment and hinder productivity.
Stonewalling vs. the “silent treatment”
Although they are different behaviors, stonewalling and the silent treatment have certain
parallels. Being overwhelmed frequently results in stonewalling. However, the silent
treatment—which is typified by a total lack of communication—is a purposeful attempt to
control or punish. While both can be detrimental to a relationship, stonewalling is typically less
deliberate and might result from an ineffective emotional processing system.
You should think about getting assistance from a mental health professional if you’re finding it
difficult to handle silence or stonewalling in your relationship. In the event that the stonewalling
is happening in a committed partnership, you might also want to think about couples counseling.
What is the root cause of stonewalling?
This conduct is influenced by physiological reasons since stonewalling is a type of “freezing,”
which results from the body’s “fight, flight, or freeze” response in response to stress. However,
the psychological reasons for stonewalling are more nuanced and diverse.
Some common motivations could include:
- Emotional overwhelm
- Fear of conflict
- Anxiety or stress
- Past trauma or negative experiences
- Lack of emotional intelligence
- Poor communication skills
- Avoidant attachment style
Because stonewalling is a form of “freezing,” which comes from the body’s “fight, flight, or
freeze” reaction in reaction to stress, this behavior is motivated by physiological factors. The
psychological causes of stonewalling, however, are more complex and varied.
What type of person uses stonewalling?
Although there isn’t a single personality type that exhibits stonewalling more than others, certain
people may be more prone to the activity than others. As was previously said, stonewalling may
be more common in those with avoidant attachment patterns, poor emotional regulation, or a
history of trauma.
In addition, stonewalling can be a coping strategy used by those who find it difficult to
communicate their emotions or who are afraid of closeness. It’s crucial to remember that
stonewalling can happen to people of any gender, though men may use this tactic more
frequently than women in heated situations.
Is stonewalling a narcissistic trait?
According to several studies, narcissism and stonewalling are related.5. Individuals who possess
the dark triad personality traits—Machiavellianism, psychopath, and narcissism—are more prone
to encounter conflict in their relationships and find it difficult to find common ground through
communication.
Stonewalling is not exclusive to narcissists or any other particular personality type, even if it is
more prevalent in those with dark triad qualities. A large number of stone walkers are not
narcissistic in nature.
The emotional effects of stonewalling
Both the person stonewalled and the stone Waller may experience severe emotional effects as a
result of stonewalling. Six It frequently leaves the receiver feeling helpless, rejected, and
frustrated. They might feel more anxious, less confident, or as though someone has abandoned
them emotionally.
At first, the person who is stonewalling could feel relieved or in charge, but over time, they might lose their emotional connection and feel guilty or ashamed. Relationship intimacy and trust can be undermined by this behavior, which can start a vicious cycle of negativity.
Stonewalling over time can lead to a breakdown in partner communication and emotional ties.
Increased tension, animosity, and even the breakup of relationships could come from it.
How to respond to stonewalling
Recognizing the communication patterns in your relationship is the first step towards learning
how to eliminate stonewalling. Use these tactics to deal with someone who refuses to talk to you
if you’re in a relationship with them:
- Remain composed: As soon as you witness stonewalling, stop and gather yourself. Remain
calm and patient to prevent things from getting worse. - Take a break if necessary: If you and your spouse need some time to collect yourselves, propose
taking a quick break. It can take at least 20 minutes to give your bodies ample time to relax. - Express your emotions calmly: When explaining to your partner how their actions impact you,
use “I” statements. Saying something like, “I feel hurt when you shut up,” is one example. - Take a break if needed: If emotions are running high, suggest a short break to allow you and
your partner to calm down and reflect. A minimum of 20 minutes may be needed to allow
enough time for your bodies to calm down. - Calmly express your feelings: Use “I” statements to communicate how your partner’s behavior
affects you. For example, you could say something like, “I feel hurt when you shut down during
our conversations.” This approach is less confrontational and may help your partner understand
your perspective. - Practice active listening: When your partner does open up, give them your full attention and
validate their feelings. - Seek professional help: If stonewalling continues, consider couples therapy to improve
communication and address underlying issues. Visit our directory to find a therapist in your area.
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